Hypnotic on my Heart

I know my previous post about not wanting a relationship was pretty convincing. I think sometimes I convince myself. The truth is, and I've never revealed this to anyone, that I do want to find love. I do want to meet someone who sweeps me off my feet and who loves me for who I am. I really do. The truth is -- I'm lonely.

I'm 99% sure that the reason I tell myself and everyone else that I don't want to be in a relationship is because I don't think I'll ever find that person. I think this for a number of reasons. The first of which is that I don't think I'm worth it. That's not the half of it, though. The second, and biggest, reason I try to play it off is because I'm scared. I'm so scared it hurts.

I loved someone once. Really loved him. Gave him my whole heart and he broke it -- all of it. For that reason, I am very apprehensive about giving it away again. Any time someone gets too close or it starts to develop into a relationship, I push them away because I'm afraid. Genuinely afraid to death and I can't stop it.

Things with Mr. Right Now are progressing steadily but about now is when I start to panic. About now is when I bail and say it's for the best.

I met another guy this weekend (who I think may quite possibly be better than Mr. Right Now) and I don't seem to be as afraid. Maybe it's because he seems to be in the same boat as I am (that being emotionally unstable and alone). But there is no telling where it will go or when I will push this one away.

Don't get me wrong -- I'm not terribly lonely or alone. I have AMAZING friends and family (sometimes) and I really am too busy for a meaningful, lasting relationship. But sometimes when I see other couples or just want someone to hold me, I feel like I will never find it and I will never have someone to hold me after a long day.

I think that's really what I miss. I miss having someone there. Someone to be my last call of the day (to quote a movie). Am I just overly emotional today (because Aunt Flo is visiting)? Probably. But it still hurts (even if it is just one week out of the month).

For right now, I'm to continue to enjoy being single, because you never know when someone will come along and take that freedom away, and when the right person comes along I will do my best to not be freaked out and try to take the moments for what they are -- nothing less, nothing more. Hopefully if I do that, I won't push them away.

Until I find Mr. Right, I'm just praying for some cute guys with soft lips and a little random hook-up action. Nothing wrong with that huh?

I'm watching "The Wedding Date" right now and there is a line in there that is particularly speaking to me:
Kat: "You say that every woman has the exact love life she wants, do you honestly believe that I want to be single and miserable?"
Nick: "Yes. When you're ready to let go and be un-single and un-miserable you will."

Side note: Wow. After this post I feel SO much better. I started writing this almost crying and I finished it feeling like a huge weight is lifted off of my shoulders. I think it's because I never speak (or write) this openly about my love life. Why don't I? I think 80% of the reason is because I'm emotionally cut off from most people in my life and the other 20% is because none of my friends seem to want to listen to my problems (even though I listen to EVERYONE else's -- but we're saving that issue for my next post). Until next time lovers -- Thanks for tuning into K. Lianne's therapy session -- come again next time.

Posted by K. Lianne at 9:35 PM | Permalink | Comments

I'm at work right now. You're thinking what's new? Right? Well, nothing much is new, but I found a whole bunch of really sweet 90s music on iTunes.

 

Before we get to the fun 90s music, I have to tell you what's been going on in my life.

 

#1. The intention of this blog is to not be a diary with exactly what happened that day, but more of a journal of my thoughts, issues and other fun things. So I'm sorry if this post seems like that.

 

#2. There are just way too many things going on in my life right now and I need somewhere I can vent about it. Hence…you.

 

Ok. So I'll begin by saying that things are going well with Mr. Right Now. We've been talking a lot and we're seeing how thing are going. I know that he's not my soul mate and I (most likely) will not spend the rest of my life with him. But he's sweet and he's a good person for me to talk to because I've been really stressed out lately and he's always really supportive. So, we're just seeing how things go and taking it one step at a time!

 

Second thing that's going on in my life is my "job." We'll call it a job because, even though it's an internship, I do a LOT more there than any other intern and it's like a job to me.

 

Yesterday my boss came up to me and told me that because of budgeting there would be no more $50/week stipend for interns. At first I was ok with it because I'm not there for the money, but then I started thinking about it more and the more I started doing that the more upset I became.

 

I do a HELL of a job there. My editors are always telling me that and I know they like my work and appreciate my hard work. I stay late. I come in nights to help with elections. I'm also working in the sports department. I come in early. I get my shit done and I get it done right…which is more than any other intern can say at this point.

 

So I talked to Jerry (another reporter there who is more of a friend than a co-worker) – my sounding board. He said that I have value and that I shouldn't let anyone take advantage of me and I shouldn't work for nothing because I'm more talented than that.

 

I talked to my editors and figured out that they really want me to stay and they are still fighting to get the stipend back for us. I make an arrangement that I would cut my hours down (only by 3 or 4 …but still), and do what I could, but told them that I need to make money and I need to feel of some value.

 

That's when they told me that if there were any openings (which they were expecting there were at least one coming up soon) that I would be on the top of their list of people to hire! YAY!

 

So my day went from me on the brink of tears because I may have to quit because they can't pay me the measly $50 a week to keep me, to me staying (for less hours) and being on their list of people to HIRE!!! It really made my day!

 

Onto the 90s music. I'm so excited.

 

I got to work today dreading the day ahead of me. My mom decided to take the day off and my step-dad is out of town so I'm in the office all by myself, with my computer that sucks ass.

 

Turns out the phone at my desk doesn't work, so I had to move into my mom's kick-ass office. OH DAMN!

 

Of course the first thing I do is turn on her stereo and blast some music. Then I start browsing iTunes. I find a BUNCH of 90s mixes and start browsing the music. I found so many songs that I adore! I downloaded $40 worth of songs and that's what I'm listening to right now.

 

Yet another day turns from dread to happiness!

 

Here are a few of the songs on my new 90s playlist:

 

Hey Jealousy – Gin Blossoms

You make me wanna – Usher

Nice and Slow – Usher

Sex and Candy – Marcy Playground

Getting' jiggy wit it – Will Smith

You were meant for me – Jewel

Follow you down – Gin Blossoms

I'll be missing you – Puff Daddy/Faith Evans

Macarena – Los Del Rio

End of the road – Boys II Men

Gangsta's Paradise – Collio

Black of White – Michael Jackson

Black Velvet – Alannah Myles

Free Fallin' – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

You can't Touch this – Mc Hammer

Posted by K. Lianne at 2:24 PM | Permalink | Comments

I just stumbled upon this quote in a friend's live journal:

"Live for today, because yesterdays are over and tomorrow's may never come."

I think this kind of applies to my situation.

He is someone I'm talking to now. It doesn't matter what happened months ago or why I let him go. But it only matters if he's going to make me happy now. Don't look toward tomorrow because it may never come, and if I'm happy with him now...that should be all that matters.

What do you think? Is this accurate?

Posted by K. Lianne at 2:12 PM | Permalink | Comments

There was once this boy I was seeing that made me feel like a princess. He made me smile, asked how my day was (and was genuinely interested), wanted to give me the world, and would basically spend the rest of his life with me if I would allow it.

The problem is, I wouldn't allow it. I was very apprehensive to get into a relationship and, to tell you the truth, all of his flatteries scared me away. He wasn't overly flattering, but more than most of the guys I have dated. It really scared me.

So when I started my internships this summer and started becoming busier and busier, I took the opportunity to push him away. This is typical me. I do this all too often. But I can never figure out if it's just be being scared or my woman's instinct telling me that this guy isn't for me so get rid of him.

I was going through some old text messages the other day and realized how much I miss getting his texts. Some of them were really sappy and some of them were just, "I miss you babe."

And then I remembered how much each of those made me smile. Every time I got a message I would grin from ear to ear. Text messages or emails from most guys don't ordinarily make me smile like that. Even if I'm dating the guy, I never smile like I did when I was seeing this guy.

So...back to the present. I was looking though some old text messages the other day and was missing him and thinking of how things may be if I wouldn't have pushed him away. I quickly pushed the thought from my mind because I hate thinking about what might have been, because - quite frankly - there's no use.

Today I came into work, logged into instant messenger and less than 5 minutes later, I get a "hey u" IM.

My heart skipped. My stomach came into my throat, and I said, "Hey! How have you been?"

We continued to chat for a while when I realized just how much I've really missed him.

So I told him. I said, "I was looking through my phone at some of our old text messages and realized that I've missed you."

He said he missed me too.

So now we're "talking" again.

My question to all of you is...am I wrong for doing this?

Is this just me missing the attention and someone adoring me? Or is this person really not for me. Is there a reason I pushed him away? Or was it just me being afraid and not read to commit? Do you think this will harm me rather than help me? Am I right in getting his hopes up again if I'm not sure if I even like him - or just like the thought of him?

I'm perplexed.

*For future refrence about this boy, we shall name him, Mr. Right Now*

Posted by K. Lianne at 1:35 PM | Permalink | Comments

One thing that I look for in friends, boyfriends or anyone that I associate with, in general, is open mindedness.

I feel that this trait is something that many people say they are, but aren't. Just look at any online dating profile or single's ad or facebook profile, and you can see people claming to be "open minded." When it comes down to it...are you really??

Being open minded is something that is so crucial in today's world.

The incident that brings me to this topic isn't just one incident in particular, rather a series of incidents that continue to occur at my house with my mother.

My mother is a HARD CORE AMERICAN. She looks at tags of products to see if they are American-made before she buys them, she curses at foreigners and says that everyone living in the United States should learn English (among doing many other things).

I recall one particular incident when I was talking to my mother and asked her a simple question which ended in a vicious argument.

I asked, "You know how people from other countries are called (their country's name) American's. Like Egyptian Americans or African American or German Americans, etc. If someone were to leave the United States to go to live in another country, would they be American (whatevers). Like American Germans, or American English??"

Her response: "Who would leave America to go live somewhere else?"

I told her plenty of people would. I would go live in England or Germany or a handful of Western European countries.

What followed was an argument about how she thought the United States was the best country in the world and no body in their right minds would go live somewhere else because the United States is all-mighty and the best and no other country could possibly ever compare.

Then there was me trying to point out all of the faults of the U.S. (greediness, laziness, wanting to be world dominant, etc.) and saying that America may be a great place to live, but I don't think the people in many countries desire to be here. Granted, there are a large amount of people who want to leave their countries, which are less than us, but there are a good amount of people who are fine who they are and love their country.

Anyway, enough of that, you get the point.

What this (and many other incidents with my mother) has taught me is that even though my mother says she's open minded because she has friends from other countries, she isn't TRULY open minded. She can't look beyond her bubble of comfortable American life to see that there are good people in good countries living a good life -- possibly just as good of a life that we enjoy here, if not better.

She wouldn't go up to someone with a Jijab (Muslim head covering) and start up a conversation with them -- even though she claims she has no problem with Muslims.

The point of this post is that open mindedness is something so crucial in today's society because of the conflicts between races, genders, sexualities, ethnicities, etc. that instead of just saying your open minded, try practicing it.

Talk to someone who looks different, or talks different or does things differently. Befriend someone who isn't the "typical" person you would be friends with.

I love being friends with people of different cultures and races and religions. My belief is that if you never make the effort to talk with anyone who is different, how are you ever going to be comfortable with them? You won't. And if you're not expected to be comfortable with them...who will be? No one. And if this happens, our world will never grow. We'll just be a bunch of people walking around afraid of what's different.

Posted by K. Lianne at 3:52 PM | Permalink | Comments

P.S. Check out the pic on the right! I was really bored at work today and decided to make a totally outrageous picture of myself with the Detroit "D"!!

Posted by K. Lianne at 8:50 PM | Permalink | Comments

I wonder what my friends think about me and my guy situations? I was thinking earlier today about my friends. There are the friends who can't be without a boyfriend, the insecure friends who always drive guys away, the shy friends who can never work up enough confidence to go on dates, the outgoing friends who go home with a different guy every night, etc.

I wonder what category I fall into with my friends. One of my friends told me freshman year that she thought I was a lesbian since the 6th grade! For 7 years she thought I was gay -- even though I had several boyfriends in high school.

When I went away to Northern I never told anyone about the guys I saw up there because I wasn't really that close with anyone here.

When I came back here, I kind of continued that trend. I haven't been dating a lot since I've been home (it's been about a year and a half), but there have been a few guys. I guess I just haven't really been that interested in dating.

Don't get me wrong - I still love men, love flirting, love "playing" with men, love the chase, love being with them. I just really think I have some commitment issues right now.

I don't know if I would categorize it as "issues," but there is something going on with me right now. I just have no desire to be in a relationship. Is this normal? Will I ever get over this?

Some of my friends try to fix me up with anything that walks, some of my friends ask me an unnecessary amount of questions to find out about any guys in my life, some look at me weirdly and some, I think, have just given up on me.

I wonder what they're thinking about me. Does that friend still think I'm gay? Have my parents written off the chance at grandbabies? I don't know.

I don't really care what they think, because none of that will change the fact that right now I just want to have fun and play around with no strings attached, but it would be interesting to know what they were thinking.

Posted by K. Lianne at 8:35 PM | Permalink | Comments

I like my horoscope today...

You may have noticed that sometimes people are awfully invasive and that you aren't always in the mood to listen to their problems or secrets, especially if they aren't terribly important. And, besides, today you have no desire to waste your time worrying about other people, dear Gemini. It's time to take care of yourself! Try to make yourself unavailable to anything that isn't absolutely essential to other people. It's your turn.


This is what I've been dealing with lately. Everyone telling me their problems when I don't have time for them. It's not that I don't care. I just don't have the time or energy to deal with them or suggest any quality advice.

A more detailed, extensive post later this week. I promise

Posted by K. Lianne at 2:48 PM | Permalink | Comments