Love as I know it.
I know my previous post about not wanting a relationship was pretty convincing. I think sometimes I convince myself. The truth is, and I've never revealed this to anyone, that I do want to find love. I do want to meet someone who sweeps me off my feet and who loves me for who I am. I really do. The truth is -- I'm lonely.
I'm 99% sure that the reason I tell myself and everyone else that I don't want to be in a relationship is because I don't think I'll ever find that person. I think this for a number of reasons. The first of which is that I don't think I'm worth it. That's not the half of it, though. The second, and biggest, reason I try to play it off is because I'm scared. I'm so scared it hurts.
I loved someone once. Really loved him. Gave him my whole heart and he broke it -- all of it. For that reason, I am very apprehensive about giving it away again. Any time someone gets too close or it starts to develop into a relationship, I push them away because I'm afraid. Genuinely afraid to death and I can't stop it.
Things with Mr. Right Now are progressing steadily but about now is when I start to panic. About now is when I bail and say it's for the best.
I met another guy this weekend (who I think may quite possibly be better than Mr. Right Now) and I don't seem to be as afraid. Maybe it's because he seems to be in the same boat as I am (that being emotionally unstable and alone). But there is no telling where it will go or when I will push this one away.
Don't get me wrong -- I'm not terribly lonely or alone. I have AMAZING friends and family (sometimes) and I really am too busy for a meaningful, lasting relationship. But sometimes when I see other couples or just want someone to hold me, I feel like I will never find it and I will never have someone to hold me after a long day.
I think that's really what I miss. I miss having someone there. Someone to be my last call of the day (to quote a movie). Am I just overly emotional today (because Aunt Flo is visiting)? Probably. But it still hurts (even if it is just one week out of the month).
For right now, I'm to continue to enjoy being single, because you never know when someone will come along and take that freedom away, and when the right person comes along I will do my best to not be freaked out and try to take the moments for what they are -- nothing less, nothing more. Hopefully if I do that, I won't push them away.
Until I find Mr. Right, I'm just praying for some cute guys with soft lips and a little random hook-up action. Nothing wrong with that huh?
I'm watching "The Wedding Date" right now and there is a line in there that is particularly speaking to me:
Kat: "You say that every woman has the exact love life she wants, do you honestly believe that I want to be single and miserable?"
Nick: "Yes. When you're ready to let go and be un-single and un-miserable you will."
I'm 99% sure that the reason I tell myself and everyone else that I don't want to be in a relationship is because I don't think I'll ever find that person. I think this for a number of reasons. The first of which is that I don't think I'm worth it. That's not the half of it, though. The second, and biggest, reason I try to play it off is because I'm scared. I'm so scared it hurts.
I loved someone once. Really loved him. Gave him my whole heart and he broke it -- all of it. For that reason, I am very apprehensive about giving it away again. Any time someone gets too close or it starts to develop into a relationship, I push them away because I'm afraid. Genuinely afraid to death and I can't stop it.
Things with Mr. Right Now are progressing steadily but about now is when I start to panic. About now is when I bail and say it's for the best.
I met another guy this weekend (who I think may quite possibly be better than Mr. Right Now) and I don't seem to be as afraid. Maybe it's because he seems to be in the same boat as I am (that being emotionally unstable and alone). But there is no telling where it will go or when I will push this one away.
Don't get me wrong -- I'm not terribly lonely or alone. I have AMAZING friends and family (sometimes) and I really am too busy for a meaningful, lasting relationship. But sometimes when I see other couples or just want someone to hold me, I feel like I will never find it and I will never have someone to hold me after a long day.
I think that's really what I miss. I miss having someone there. Someone to be my last call of the day (to quote a movie). Am I just overly emotional today (because Aunt Flo is visiting)? Probably. But it still hurts (even if it is just one week out of the month).
For right now, I'm to continue to enjoy being single, because you never know when someone will come along and take that freedom away, and when the right person comes along I will do my best to not be freaked out and try to take the moments for what they are -- nothing less, nothing more. Hopefully if I do that, I won't push them away.
Until I find Mr. Right, I'm just praying for some cute guys with soft lips and a little random hook-up action. Nothing wrong with that huh?
I'm watching "The Wedding Date" right now and there is a line in there that is particularly speaking to me:
Kat: "You say that every woman has the exact love life she wants, do you honestly believe that I want to be single and miserable?"
Nick: "Yes. When you're ready to let go and be un-single and un-miserable you will."
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