Hypnotic on my Heart

I have so much to blog about. Don't be surprised if multiple posts follow.

#1. Thanksgiving was HORRIBLE.

There was a series of needless events that contributed to an overall bad Thanksgiving. The first of which was that the van broke down on our first stop of the trip. We drove from Michigan to Florida - all 22 hours of it - in a 1983 Dodge van. It needed a starter. Because we couldn't turn it off once we got it started (after an hour) we had to drive all the way to Florida, keeping it running the whole time. That was fun.

The second unnecessary event was that my creepy uncle (the one married to my aunt - so it's not like he's even part of the family) touched my ass THREE TIMES and made creepy, lude comments to me throughout our stay. It creeped me out. My family is very nice and semi-religious, but most of all, they are southern. That means that if you say crap or pissed off or anything of the sort, they don't like it. So my uncle touching my ass and making rude comments was something I couldn't convey to my family. I just had to bear it and shoot him nasty looks of discontent.

The third thing that contributed to a bad holiday was that my sister and her (illegal) boyfriend broke up (finally). I don't recall if I've written about them in this blog before, but I'll just say that this relationship (between my 17-year-old sister and her 23-year-old boyfriend) has been a source of fighting, hatred and conflict in our family for more than a year. So the ending of the relationship was a source of happiness, but the fact that it happened on Thanksgiving DAY, over the phone, while she was in Florida and he was in Michigan was a source of stress and the reason my sister locked herself in the van, crying for hours.

So that was my Thanksgiving. It was good to see the family and, for the most part, it was alright, but because of the aforementioned reasons, it pretty much sucked.

Posted by K. Lianne at 1:57 PM | Permalink | Comments

I've been feeling like such a girl lately. Most of the time, I feel tired and run-down and don't feel like dressing up or doing my hair or putting on makeup. Don't get me wrong, I do all of these things (minus the dressing up) everyday, but I haven't been feeling like it lately.

That was...until last weekend. I went shopping with my mom and completely girl-ed out.

Girl experience #1: I had my first Sephora experience!!
I have ALWAYS been a fan of makeup - shopping for it, experimenting with it, wearing it ... whatever. BUT, I had always walked by Sephora and been intimidated. People seemed like they knew what they wanted, went it, grabbed it, and quickly checked out.

When it comes to makeup shopping, I like to browse. So I had always been to shy to go in.

Well, this weekend, I finally did it. My 17-year-old sister has always liked the way I do my makeup and has never really had any professional products. So I decided to put together a "makeup gift bag" for her. I got her the makeup holder/bag thingy, eye shadow, a brush set, and some blush.

I browsed, I sampled, I loved.

Sephora was great.

Girl experience #2: New Purse.
Purses are other products that I love to shop for and spend good money for. On my latest trip to Chicago (in June) I had bought my first Coach purse from Bloomies. I loved it. It was off-white with the Coach "C's" and a bumble-bee. It was really cute and really summer-y. So I decided that I needed a more winter-y purse.

On the same shopping excursion as Sephora, my mom and I visited Macy's. Now, aside from their Coach bags being MUCH cheaper than Bloomies, they also had a MUCH better selection. So I bought one! I LOVE IT. It's brown with the C's and tan and white stiching with a buckle-type button. I don't really know how to explain purses well, and they don't have a photo of it on Coach.com, but you get the point.

So that was my girly experience. I'm so proud.

Above that, I'm growing my nails out again, so that they'll look nice.

It's so weird, I go in weird spurts of fashion. For 6 months or so, I'll do so good. I'll do my hair everyday and want to look cute and my nails and toenails will look good, and I'll just look like a lady. Then for a few months I'll get really run-down and just not care...I'll still do my hair most of the time and wear makeup, but I'm content with just wearing a hoodie and jeans.

Oh well. Such is life.

P.S. I'm officially single now. It's been a rough week or so, but it's really for the best and I'm really happy. He's not -- he calls and texts all the time with pathetic messages -- but I'm happy. And, we still talk 2-3 times a week, so it's like I can have my best friend but not the baggage. It's nice. Now I just need a nice, catholic boy that I can bring home and be happy with. Any takers?

Posted by K. Lianne at 11:38 AM | Permalink | Comments

Tonight was my night out with "the girls." It was basically a disaster.

Disaster #1: left one hour and 20 minutes after scheduled departure time. We were supposed to meet at 9:30. My friend, we'll call her Ms. Conservative called at 9:27 as I was pulling in and said she wouldn't be able to make it until 9:45. She pulled up at 10:02. She was with her brother and his friend and one of her friends. They were waiting for another friend to join them, "within 5 minutes." Fifty minutes later, we finally left for the club.

Diaster #2: most of us in the crew were at least 21. But since Ms. Conservative decided to bring her little bro, we went to an 18 and up joint. Blah.

So we go, and it was cool for about the first 20 mintues. We started dancing and having fun and then, since no ground rules had been laid before the excursion, everyone started switching into their different roles.

Let me stress the IMPORTANCE of ground rule before an excursion such as this. My ground rules would go something like this:
#1. We are leaving at 10 p.m. SHARP, anyone who is late will be left behind
#2. Once we get to the 21 and over club, we will drink
#3. Once we have one drink we will DANCE. ALL OF US!
#4. Everyone will stay together in a group, having fun, dancing on the DANCE FLOOR!
#5. The club stays open until 2 a.m. Therefore no one will leave before 1 a.m.

Do these things ever happen this way? NO.

And let me tell you what happens when ground rules are not laid: PEOPLE GO INTO ROLES.

For instance:
You have the friend who just wants to have fun and dance the night away without a care: aka ME.

Then you have the friend who has had a stressful week and doesn't want to be out, so he/she stays along the edge of the dance floor watching you with eyes pleading to leave.

The other friend wanders around talking with and grinding on random guys/girls

Another friend gets worried about those not with the group and tries rounding everyone up all night and not having a good time.

And the final friend that gets WAYYY too drunk and ends up having random makeout sessions in the corner.

There may be more of these friend-types, but these were the ones present tonight.

So, basically, I had a bad night. When your friends decide to not set ground rules, everyone slips into their roles and no one has fun.

I just decided to not care and started dancing with random people...so it was a little fun. And, plus, I saw one of my employees there. Which at first was awkward, but he's a cool guy, so it was fun.

I have to say...I did have a tiny bit of fun tonight. But, firstly, ground rules should always be laid so that everyone has fun and everyone knows exactly what will happen and exactly when everyone will leave. Secondly, I should still be at the club right now (1:50 a.m.) dancing and flirting and grinding and possibly hooking up with random men. But....no one ever hooks up when everyone is on a different page and no ground rules are set.

Posted by K. Lianne at 1:44 AM | Permalink | Comments

I feel like I have such a mundane life. I am HORRIBLY busy, don't get me wrong. It's just all the same stuff, different day.

The newspaper, class, friends, family. It's all the same. Nothing much new is going on. There is always drama at the newspaper and friends and family are always crazy, just nothing much to update about.

Here's one thing. I'm officially single. We had a nice chat last weekend about our status and mutually decided that being friends would be the best thing for right now. I can't predict what'll happen in the future, but I know that I love the kid and I can't go without him. So that's why we are still really good friends and that's why we still talk a lot...but we're just not together. I'm really lucky that I have a guy in my life who I can talk to like that. Any conflicts or any problems we talk about it. He is never quick to get mad and an arguement between the two of us is rare. That's another reason I'm glad we're still friends.

In other news, I'm going out to the club tonight with my girls. I want to get laid. I need it. I deserve it. That's my goal. It probably won't happen because it's "girls night" but I'll see what I can do and get back to you.

Have a good weekend, peeps. I'll write more asap.

Posted by K. Lianne at 2:50 PM | Permalink | Comments

Breaking up is hard to do.

And I think I'll have to do it soon.

I know, I know. You're all confused. You're thinking...wait! I thought she was single...yada yada yada.

It's kind of true. Kind of not.

You see...there was this boy a the college I previously attended. He chose to stay there when I moved back home -- 7 HOURS AWAY.

We broke up. It was hard to do. I wanted to marry him. I wanted to live happily ever after. I wanted to bare (bear??)his children. I wanted to be with him.

But we didn't talk about it. We focused on having a good time while I was there (I knew fairly shortly after we got together that I was transferring schools). We had a GREAT time. We fell in love.

I thought it would be easy to leave him behind when I did because we were only four months into the relationship when I left and we had never verbalized our feelings for each other.

I was wrong.

I basically went through hell not being able to talk to him. I needed him to be my last call of the day. I need his input on situations in my life. I need to be able to tell him that I saw a golf shoe on the side of the road and thought about him.

So I called him. I told him I just wanted to check up and see how he was and see how school was going...nothing special.

He saw right through that. He said he knew why I was calling and was contemplating calling me to tell me how lonely he felt.

And...for the first time...he told me he loved me.

So that was that. We were "back together." But it didn't work. Seven hours is a long time and a lot of miles away. Especially when you've only had four months together and especially when you don't want the same things in life.

He's a small-town boy. His ideal life would be living with his wife and 1-2 children in a small town in rural Montana being a ski bunny and working at a country club.

I'm a big-city girl. My ideal life would be living in Chicago working 9-5 at the Tribune then going to my cottage on Lake Michigan with my husband and my 4-6 children.

I value material things. He could care less.

I have big aspirations and goals that drive me.

He would be content having "jobs" without a career.

It's tough.

We went about a month being an "item."

Then, I broke it off. I told him that I loved him, but it was impossible to be with him considering we didn't want the same thing in life and that we lived so far away.

That lasted about 2 weeks.

He called me and we basically said the same thing "I can't live without you, I love you, I need to be with you."

So...we decided to keep talking without being "together." We talk 3-4 times a week during which we share the words "I love you." But it's still hard.

How do you make a relationship with someone who you know doesn't want the same things in life, especially when it hurts so much, physically and emotionally, to be without them.

Do I want to be with him because I can't be without him? Would I be able to live my life, getting my "fix" of him while just being friends. Is that possible?

Am I in love with him?

I don't think so.

I think I'm comfortable. I think I could spend the rest of my life with him and be content. But I wouldn't be happy. I would be settling.

I think I just need to be friends with him. Which is really what we are now...seeing as how I haven't seen him in almost a year.

Another thing is my friends and family. No one knows about him. I slipped and mentioned something about him in passing to a friend who didn't seem to care (thank God), and my mom and a couple friends know we dated while I was at the other college. But they know nothing of what's going on now.

Why is that? I know I could blame it on all of my insecurities and all of my fears of rejection (feeling like my mom would say - "love?!? You don't know what love is). But I think it's more than that. I think I know they would say, "Cut your loses and move on. It'll never work."

And then when it didn't work, I would have to admit that they were right...and that would kill me.

So after all of that back story (which, admittidly, felt good to get off my chest) and after all of my rants, which you probably haven't read anyway...I think the most logical thing to do would be to break it off for good and just be friends. I think that's what I will do. That's what I'm going to do.

But breaking up is hard to do.

Posted by K. Lianne at 2:41 PM | Permalink | Comments

What's with boys?

I don't get them. I don't want to even pretend to. I think most of the problem comes with their ego. Most of them have huge ones (egos).

I have this friend. We'll call him, "I'm the man" because, well, that's what he thinks he is.

He'll say things like, "man, I get so much tail," or "people have told me my whole life that I'm good looking" or stupid other random shit like that. Only he says after he makes such comments that he's "just kidding." But the thing is, I don't think he really is kidding.

He'll say these kind of things and then get this look on his face like he actually thinks he is God's gift to this earth.

And then....oh, get this...after he says he can "get so much tail" he get in a conversation with one of our mutual friends (who is abstaining from sex until marriage) about how he isn't sexually promiscuous and doesn't value those types of things. That was COMPLETELY FALSE!!

This isn't the only time men have changed their stories, attitudes, morals and beliefs at the drop of the hat just to try to connect with or to impress someone...but I CAN'T STAND IT!!

Just be yourself. If you are a ho...be proud of it. Embrace it. Don't pretend that you don't "get so much tail" just to sound like you are a good person.

Ok...enough of that rant. Bottom line. Be who you are. Say what you mean, and mean what you say. Don't change your ideals and your beliefs to be difference with each different audience.

Posted by K. Lianne at 1:26 PM | Permalink | Comments

I was driving in my car today on my lunch break, on my way to the bank when I heard it.

The very song I named this blog after.

Thats when I realized the purpose I had started this blog with and the relief it was supposed to be giving me ... like a blue sky holiday.

That's when I decided I would start writing in it again. No matter how busy I may be.

Enjoy.

Posted by K. Lianne at 1:23 PM | Permalink | Comments