More about boys...
Breaking up is hard to do.
And I think I'll have to do it soon.
I know, I know. You're all confused. You're thinking...wait! I thought she was single...yada yada yada.
It's kind of true. Kind of not.
You see...there was this boy a the college I previously attended. He chose to stay there when I moved back home -- 7 HOURS AWAY.
We broke up. It was hard to do. I wanted to marry him. I wanted to live happily ever after. I wanted to bare (bear??)his children. I wanted to be with him.
But we didn't talk about it. We focused on having a good time while I was there (I knew fairly shortly after we got together that I was transferring schools). We had a GREAT time. We fell in love.
I thought it would be easy to leave him behind when I did because we were only four months into the relationship when I left and we had never verbalized our feelings for each other.
I was wrong.
I basically went through hell not being able to talk to him. I needed him to be my last call of the day. I need his input on situations in my life. I need to be able to tell him that I saw a golf shoe on the side of the road and thought about him.
So I called him. I told him I just wanted to check up and see how he was and see how school was going...nothing special.
He saw right through that. He said he knew why I was calling and was contemplating calling me to tell me how lonely he felt.
And...for the first time...he told me he loved me.
So that was that. We were "back together." But it didn't work. Seven hours is a long time and a lot of miles away. Especially when you've only had four months together and especially when you don't want the same things in life.
He's a small-town boy. His ideal life would be living with his wife and 1-2 children in a small town in rural Montana being a ski bunny and working at a country club.
I'm a big-city girl. My ideal life would be living in Chicago working 9-5 at the Tribune then going to my cottage on Lake Michigan with my husband and my 4-6 children.
I value material things. He could care less.
I have big aspirations and goals that drive me.
He would be content having "jobs" without a career.
It's tough.
We went about a month being an "item."
Then, I broke it off. I told him that I loved him, but it was impossible to be with him considering we didn't want the same thing in life and that we lived so far away.
That lasted about 2 weeks.
He called me and we basically said the same thing "I can't live without you, I love you, I need to be with you."
So...we decided to keep talking without being "together." We talk 3-4 times a week during which we share the words "I love you." But it's still hard.
How do you make a relationship with someone who you know doesn't want the same things in life, especially when it hurts so much, physically and emotionally, to be without them.
Do I want to be with him because I can't be without him? Would I be able to live my life, getting my "fix" of him while just being friends. Is that possible?
Am I in love with him?
I don't think so.
I think I'm comfortable. I think I could spend the rest of my life with him and be content. But I wouldn't be happy. I would be settling.
I think I just need to be friends with him. Which is really what we are now...seeing as how I haven't seen him in almost a year.
Another thing is my friends and family. No one knows about him. I slipped and mentioned something about him in passing to a friend who didn't seem to care (thank God), and my mom and a couple friends know we dated while I was at the other college. But they know nothing of what's going on now.
Why is that? I know I could blame it on all of my insecurities and all of my fears of rejection (feeling like my mom would say - "love?!? You don't know what love is). But I think it's more than that. I think I know they would say, "Cut your loses and move on. It'll never work."
And then when it didn't work, I would have to admit that they were right...and that would kill me.
So after all of that back story (which, admittidly, felt good to get off my chest) and after all of my rants, which you probably haven't read anyway...I think the most logical thing to do would be to break it off for good and just be friends. I think that's what I will do. That's what I'm going to do.
But breaking up is hard to do.
And I think I'll have to do it soon.
I know, I know. You're all confused. You're thinking...wait! I thought she was single...yada yada yada.
It's kind of true. Kind of not.
You see...there was this boy a the college I previously attended. He chose to stay there when I moved back home -- 7 HOURS AWAY.
We broke up. It was hard to do. I wanted to marry him. I wanted to live happily ever after. I wanted to bare (bear??)his children. I wanted to be with him.
But we didn't talk about it. We focused on having a good time while I was there (I knew fairly shortly after we got together that I was transferring schools). We had a GREAT time. We fell in love.
I thought it would be easy to leave him behind when I did because we were only four months into the relationship when I left and we had never verbalized our feelings for each other.
I was wrong.
I basically went through hell not being able to talk to him. I needed him to be my last call of the day. I need his input on situations in my life. I need to be able to tell him that I saw a golf shoe on the side of the road and thought about him.
So I called him. I told him I just wanted to check up and see how he was and see how school was going...nothing special.
He saw right through that. He said he knew why I was calling and was contemplating calling me to tell me how lonely he felt.
And...for the first time...he told me he loved me.
So that was that. We were "back together." But it didn't work. Seven hours is a long time and a lot of miles away. Especially when you've only had four months together and especially when you don't want the same things in life.
He's a small-town boy. His ideal life would be living with his wife and 1-2 children in a small town in rural Montana being a ski bunny and working at a country club.
I'm a big-city girl. My ideal life would be living in Chicago working 9-5 at the Tribune then going to my cottage on Lake Michigan with my husband and my 4-6 children.
I value material things. He could care less.
I have big aspirations and goals that drive me.
He would be content having "jobs" without a career.
It's tough.
We went about a month being an "item."
Then, I broke it off. I told him that I loved him, but it was impossible to be with him considering we didn't want the same thing in life and that we lived so far away.
That lasted about 2 weeks.
He called me and we basically said the same thing "I can't live without you, I love you, I need to be with you."
So...we decided to keep talking without being "together." We talk 3-4 times a week during which we share the words "I love you." But it's still hard.
How do you make a relationship with someone who you know doesn't want the same things in life, especially when it hurts so much, physically and emotionally, to be without them.
Do I want to be with him because I can't be without him? Would I be able to live my life, getting my "fix" of him while just being friends. Is that possible?
Am I in love with him?
I don't think so.
I think I'm comfortable. I think I could spend the rest of my life with him and be content. But I wouldn't be happy. I would be settling.
I think I just need to be friends with him. Which is really what we are now...seeing as how I haven't seen him in almost a year.
Another thing is my friends and family. No one knows about him. I slipped and mentioned something about him in passing to a friend who didn't seem to care (thank God), and my mom and a couple friends know we dated while I was at the other college. But they know nothing of what's going on now.
Why is that? I know I could blame it on all of my insecurities and all of my fears of rejection (feeling like my mom would say - "love?!? You don't know what love is). But I think it's more than that. I think I know they would say, "Cut your loses and move on. It'll never work."
And then when it didn't work, I would have to admit that they were right...and that would kill me.
So after all of that back story (which, admittidly, felt good to get off my chest) and after all of my rants, which you probably haven't read anyway...I think the most logical thing to do would be to break it off for good and just be friends. I think that's what I will do. That's what I'm going to do.
But breaking up is hard to do.
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